


First Time for Everything: Danny

by mikes_grrl



Series: First Time [2]
Category: Hot Fuzz (2007)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-10-10
Updated: 2007-10-10
Packaged: 2017-10-02 07:45:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikes_grrl/pseuds/mikes_grrl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Danny is going out of his mind, and naturally it is Nicholas’ fault.</p>
            </blockquote>





	First Time for Everything: Danny

**Author's Note:**

> More romantic-angsty-fluff. If you read Nicholas’ version of events, you know what happens, so no surprises here, except at the end where you find out a little bit more about the final kiss! It’s a little sexy! So enjoy!
> 
> I was just experimenting with the story from Danny’s perspective and decided to roll with it: same dialogue exactly, different viewpoint completely. I think it turned out well.

They spent every waking moment together, and some not-awake ones too. All day they were at work, and in the evenings they were at the pub and/or watching movies at Danny’s flat. Nick once or twice made grumbling noises about the need for them to find girlfriends, but Danny just turned up the volume on the telly and drowned him out. He figured Nick would get around to something like that eventually; Danny was not stupid. He knew about Janine, and saw Nick eyeing women at the pub after a few drinks. He just wanted to hold off that reality as long as possible. Just for a while. The past year -- with the NWA and The Shootout and the prolonged prosecution cases -- was taxing enough for four lifetimes and Danny wanted to simply enjoy his time with Nick, his job with Nick, his life with Nick. Again, Danny was not stupid: he knew full well that he was madly in love. He also knew that Nick was not. He just hoped that he could keep him around for…as long as he possibly could.

Every once in a while they both dozed off on Danny’s couch, leaning against each other. Danny did not mean to constantly crunch up closer to the older man, but after a few drinks he always found the idea harmless, absolutely harmless. And Nick let him, anyway, so it had to be harmless. He thought Nick was acting somewhat like a father-figure, helping him learn police procedural guidelines and making him work in that damn garden every day off they got (_too_ much like his father, Danny complained to Doris). Once or twice he even wrapped his arm around Danny, in a friendly way, when Danny was particularly emotionally upset about the latest news concerning his father’s case. Danny always made sure those moments were brief, but he never could bring himself to just stop them from happening. He was far too willing to accept any advance Nick gave him. It was playing with fire in a way Danny never did before, with anyone, but he simply could not stop.

“Let a man breathe!” Nick shoved off to sit against the armrest. Danny realized then that he was pushing up a little too close. One more beer and he’d try to snog the man. He frowned at himself and thought about scooting down to the other end of the couch, until he felt Nick’s feet in his lap. He decided again that it was all just harmless, totally harmless, and sat back to watch the movie.

It was a terrible movie and Danny hated it, and was actually thinking about putting a different one on, when Nick suggested a drinking game. It was unusual for Nick to want to drink much, but Danny certainly did not mind. He thought that he would have to be careful and not get touchy-feely later, though. He promised himself that he would stay far away from Nick’s person. Far, far away.

They were drunk in a short amount of time. Nick was still propped against the armrest, but he had scooted down to almost a totally horizontal position, his head on a pillow. His right leg was bent and resting against the back of the couch while his left leg splayed out over Danny’s lap. Danny was half-way asleep, his left arm propped up over Nicholas’ knee, drunk and trying to keep still. If he could stay this way with Nick forever, it would still end too soon. Nick felt so good. Just…so…good…before he thought about it his hand drifted down to rest, unmoving, in Nick’s lap. He held his breath, wondering all at once what he intended to do, and what he could do, and how it might feel, when he felt a slight pressure from inside Nick’s pants, a gentle swelling that might not mean anything, after all, but…

“Oi! Danny!” Nick twitched his leg and Danny jerked his hand away to rest again up on Nick’s knee, trying to look like he was asleep. The ploy worked and Nick’s head tilted off to side as he drifted back to sleep.

Later, Danny woke up and discovered that Nick was far beyond sleep. He was practically catatonic. He never saw Nick this drunk before and alarm bells went off, but Danny was cramped and needed to lay down. There simply was not enough room on the couch for both of them to spread out. Bed was his best option, but leaving Nick alone in this state was dangerous. He felt guilty about how happy he was with his solution, which was to rouse Nick enough to drag-walk him to Danny’s bed. He tossed Nick down and climbed in next to him, promising himself that he was not going to touch him, just lay still next to him and go to sleep.

He woke up, just barely, to see Nick trying to sit up next to him. They were obviously cuddling in their sleep, which to Danny right then seemed marvelous.

“’Ey.” Danny looked up, barely seeing Nick for how sleepy he was.

“Danny, I don’t think…” Nicholas stopped and Danny did not care.

“Mmph. Good. No thinkin’. Com’eere.” Danny reached out and grabbed Nicholas, dragging him the few inches back into his chest, feeling pleased with himself. Part of his brain, the very buried sober part, was screaming in rebellion but Danny was so very happy that he could not be bothered with dire warnings of terrible consequences. He bent down, kissed his Nicky on the head, and immediately fell back asleep.

He fully woke up alone. At some point, Nick ducked out, and Danny did not know when. This was his first clue that something was wrong; the second was when he finally (after two cups of tea, several aspirin, and a long hot shower) remembered waking up earlier to drag Nick into his arms. He let out a very loud groan and leaned heavily against the kitchen counter, his head in his hands. He had gone and done something supremely stupid, and he had no idea how he could explain it to Nick. He imagined telling Nick about a crazy dream involving the cuddly monkey and…no, Nick would see through that. In fact, Danny knew that Nick was probably at that very moment putting all of Danny’s covert actions together and coming up with exactly the truth: Danny was gay, Danny was hitting on him, and Danny clearly was out of control. Nicholas was a first class policeman officer, and if someone put enough clues in front of him, he would eventually figure it out. Danny realized he could not have put more clues in front of Nick short of leaving his gay porn magazines out on the coffee table.

He banged his head on the counter.

Nick did not call or stop by all day. It was their day off and they usually spent it together, but Danny knew better than to push his luck. Knowing Nick, he would come around sometime that evening, make some weak excuse about not calling, and awkwardly try to patch up the situation. Danny was not sure if he was looking forward to that or not. For one thing, it would mean the end to any private fantasies Danny cherished of somehow seducing Nick; impossible, he always admitted, but as long as Nick did not really _know_ and never came out and said _no_ then it was a small hope Danny nursed.

As predicted, Nick rang on the bell at 7:30 that night. Danny met him at the doorway, deciding whether to let him in at all. It was a stupid quandary, because it was Nick: of course he could come in. Danny led him to the couch and they sat down, with the telly off, and no beers in front of them. Danny was not about to offer to put on a movie.

“Sorry I didn’t call, today. Got busy…” Nick looked incredibly uncomfortable and Danny was torn between telling him to sod off or beg him to pretend like nothing happened. Neither option actually appealed to him much and he decided that a partial truth might work better than nothing at all.

“Nick, about this morning…nothing happened, you know. You were pissed, I had to drag you into the…er, bed. I just didn’t want you up front alone, in case you got sick. Right?” He smiled gamely. Or, he thought he did.

“Oh, right, of course. Right. I appreciate it.” Nick tried to smile too but it was so forced that it was painful to watch. Danny looked around, and bit his lip. Nicholas leaned in and looked him in the face.

“Danny, if…if you’re gay, you know I don’t care. I really don’t.”

Danny groaned and looked up at the ceiling.

“I mean it, Danny! I don’t care! You’re my best friend and I don’t want that to change. Ever.” He laid a hand on Danny’s knee and the electric charge went through Danny’s body as if he was hit with a live wire. Nick yanked it back and Danny’s heart sank.

There was nothing for it. Nick knew, and there was nothing left to lose. “Nicholas, you’re my best friend too.” He reached for words, then sighed heavily. “I love you.” He twisted his hands together and looked out towards the kitchen, anywhere but at Nick.

“Danny, I…” Nick stopped, looking confused.

“I know! I know. You’re not…like me. You had Janine and I see the way you look at girls at the pub, sometimes, when you been drinking. I know. I just need you to know.”

Nicholas nodded slowly. “Okay.”

“It doesn’t bother you?” Danny looked at him skeptically. He knew it bothered Nick, he just wanted to know how much.

“Well no, it doesn’t. I mean, I don’t want to disappoint you, you’re my best mate, so I feel, I don’t know, sad?” He said it, trying to describe his feelings. He was lousy at it, and he obviously knew it, but Danny felt so relieved that Nick did not just get up and leave that he grinned at him.

“And you know, I think you’ll get over me. I’m not much of a catch.”

That was absolutely the silliest thing he could have said, because he was the best catch in the world. Danny laughed and shrugged. Nick might be daft, but he was a good friend. That much, Danny hoped he could save.

Except that he couldn’t. The following week proved unimaginably awkward as Nick spent a lot of his time trying to establish personal boundary zones with Danny and not use innuendo and snarling every time one of the Andes made a joke about ‘benders.’ It was incredibly obvious and Danny died each time Nick’s bad social skills crashed their conversations down in heaps of unspoken self-consciousness. He turned down Danny’s offers to come over and watch movies, and stopped going to the pub at all. Danny orbited Nick, waiting for him to just fucking relax, but he did not. Everything seemed to tip him into some kind of nervous twitch and nothing Danny did helped. Even Doris noticed and asked what was wrong, and Danny came up with a blatantly bogus story about Nick’s old girlfriend Janine getting married and Nick not being invited to the wedding and...Doris raised her eyebrows disbelievingly. Nick’s lack of attachment to his ex was very well known, but Doris went along with it, and she of course spread the story around the office, and it nearly worked, except for when Tony decided that he needed to give Nick manly comfort about the issue, and Nick just looked at him like he was crazy.

The following weekend, after Nick’s fifth refusal to join him at the pub or his flat or damn near anywhere but the office, Danny went into the pub determined to get pissed. He did not really have a plan for after that, but a good drunk sounded excellent. He warned the Andes to keep an eye out, because for all the verbal abuse they fed him, no one else could corral Danny as effectively and as kindly as they did when he got tanked. He drank a few lagers and then started on the shots and kept going. Fast.

He ended up on Nicholas’ door step fairly early in the evening. He was far beyond knowing how he got there, but as he thought about it, he was fairly certain that this was where he wanted to be anyway. Something about this whole situation was wrong. He did not understand how Nick could spend so much time with him without, well, wanting him. It made no sense. Nick had to feel something, even if he did not know it. Danny decided he needed to prove that, although again, he was not too clear on the “how.”

He leaned against the door frame, waiting for Nick to answer. He was not so far drunk as to fall down, but he was definitely working to stay upright. When Nick opened the door he looked absolutely radiant in his sweats and tee shirt, calm and relaxed, and Danny knew he had been petting that damn plant. For some reason, this just made him mad.

“Where y’been?” he asked accusingly.

“Here, Danny. At home.” They studied each other for a second and Danny nodded, unhappy with the answer. “Danny, come in. You’re about to fall down.”

As if a bell rang somewhere, Danny knew what he needed to do. He had to kiss him. He needed to taste Nick and feel him and know for certain that Nick did _not_ want him. There really was no other way to find out, and Danny knew that the slow and patient route was not going to work. Ever.

He lunged forward and for some mysterious reason Nick misjudged him and they ended up rolling on the floor. Danny pushed over and dug his hands into Nick’s arms, and pressed down on him with all of his weight. He knew that Nick could make him move, and he also knew that Nick would not risk hurting him to do it.

But Nick was not really ready to be handled like that, and when he understood how little control he had over the situation he finally started to panic, forcing Danny to lean into him harder than he meant to.

“Stop fightin’ me!”

“Danny, get off!”

“Make me.”

“You know I can. But I don’t want to hurt you…” Nick looked at him with a terrible expression, hurt and worry shining in his eyes. His beautiful eyes. Danny said “Sorry,” then pressed down his whole weight on Nick, forcing the breath out of his lungs. As Nicholas tried to gasp for air, Danny leaned forward and kissed him.

And it was empty. There was nothing there, it was Danny drunk and desperate and kissing a straight man he pinned to the floor. It was the worst of all possibilities, but it was also what he knew might happen: nothing. Nick did not respond, and would never want him, and now Danny knew that as true.

Danny drew back and propped himself against the wall, his hands shaking. Slowly, breathing deeply, Nicholas drew himself up to a sitting position, crossing his feet with his elbows resting on his knees.

“Danny, I’m so sorry. I’m not…just not…attracted to you like that.”

Danny stared hard at his hands, frowning. He knew that already, now; Nick did not need to say it.

“I mean it’s okay, I don’t care…you’re my best friend and I love you as a friend and I don’t care if you’re gay. Please, Danny, please just understand…damnit!” Nick rubbed his face hard and it was clear even to Danny’s still very drunk mind that Nick was upset. Danny could not face that, though. His heart was breaking, his world was destroyed, and he was not able to feel sorry for Nick about it.

He got up and stumbled out without saying a word.

Danny headed home and planned on breaking every piece of furniture he owned, especially the couch, but by the time he got there he was beyond caring. He barely made it to the edge of the bed before he collapsed, crying, even sobbing, balling up the sheets in his fists in an effort to rip them apart and wishing to God that he was something other than what he was.

In the morning, somehow, the fury was gone. When he woke up, he was still heartbroken, but the anger vanished. He did not know how, but it did. He suspected maybe the hangover was cancelling it out. But, as he got ready for work he thought that now, maybe, he could move on. He knew the truth and he would not waste his time feeding desperate fantasies about a straight man who would never want him. He still loved Nick; he knew that would not fade for a long time, if ever. He might always love him, but he was not going to be waiting for him anymore. No more of this weeping and moaning and acting like the nancy he was. He’d have to bring Nick into line, convince him that they were still friends, but he could do that. As he left his flat and walked out into the cold morning air, he decided that he, Daniel Butterman, was going to fix everything.

That day was awkward, and naturally Nick made it even worse by trying to share his feelings like a girl when they were at lunch, but Danny put a stop to that. He told him to be at his flat the following night for the new movie release he just bought, not even offering a way to back out. When Nick arrived, nervous and apprehensive, Danny set him down with a can of hard cider and sat far away from him and made bad jokes about the entire cast of the film. It worked, and by the time Nick left, slightly buzzed and grinning, Danny knew he succeeded where Nicky never could. They were still friends, and he expected they always would be.

Still, Danny was careful. He did not invite him over too often, and left Nick on his own to go to the pub and meet other people. Partially that was self-protection; his love remained strong and his disappointment raw, and he did not want to over expose himself to the toxic fascination of Nicholas. He felt sad a lot, but only when he was alone, and he managed to convince everyone except possibly Doris that he was fine, just fine.

After about two months everything became routine again. Danny thought he was starting to recover, and while he found himself trying to stare at Nick sometimes when Nick would not notice, he was beginning to feel some release from his inner tension. When he really thought about it, the idea of Nick forever being out reach hurt like hell, but that was what his movies were for. They distracted Danny enough to sleep through the sadness and remorse. That and a lot of lager. But now, he decided it was time to take the next step: by god, he was going to get laid. He stayed celibate almost since the day Nick arrived in Sandford, and that was a long time ago. At last Danny felt ready to do something that did not involve wrist action.

His incentive came in the form of Nick being bullied by Doris to join her and Tony and the surly Turner down at the pub for a few drinks, starting early. That killed any idea that he and Danny might hang out together and also gave Danny the idea that he needed to get bullied himself.

He called Josh, which was not much of a long shot. He and Josh were the same year at school and had been going at each other since the first time they shared a locker room shower. They fell in love for a few months when they were 15, but after that, it was all good sport. It was always just for fun, as much as they enjoyed each other’s company, because Josh was looking to move up in the game and had to keep a straight lifestyle to do it. Josh was always ready for Danny, though, and Danny admitted it was difficult not being ready for Josh. When he showed up at Danny’s door early that evening, Danny tried not to think about how much his body reminded him of Nick’s.

It was a lovely night of drinking and foreplay and bad television. Josh caught him up on all the latest news about their fellow “boys” in the club – at least four players on the team were in the closet – and also about how their season was shaping up. They laughed at the memories of awkward sex and great game goals and when the buzz finally got hot enough they started making out like teenagers.

They moved to the bedroom and stopped being romantic. Stripped down, they rubbed each other nearly raw on the bed and finally Josh jumped up, laughing, pulling Danny to the edge of the bed and turning him over and soon Danny was overcome with the feeling of sex, of being entered and teased and fucked. And god, Josh could fuck. With his strong legs and thighs he could rip a cement wall apart and Danny groaned in satisfaction, feeling Josh’s cock thrusting into him like a damn machine until Danny did not worry about anything or anyone and just threw himself into his orgasm, realizing too late that he lost his mind and yelled out Nick’s name when he came. It did not bother Josh, who pushed himself into Danny and exploded with a massive and exquisite orgasm that nearly pushed Danny onto the other side of the bed. Danny gasped, absolutely enraptured with the first sex he had in over a year, but even then the idea of Nick flashed in his mind. He almost felt like Nick was watching him, hearing him call out his name. He shuddered.

“Nick yer boyfriend, then, you lit’le cunt?” Josh laughed, smacking Danny on the ass as if they were on the pitch.

“Aye, no, Josh. Just a chap.” Danny tried to brush the topic off.

“A chap you fancy.” Josh moved back, and Danny rolled down to sit on the edge of the bed.

“Som’tin like that.”

“Boys’ been missin’ you round the club, Danny.” Josh stood in front of him and kissed him on the head. Danny place his arms around Josh’s hips and rested his head against his stomach.

“Been busy, Josh. Anyway…”

“Yeah. ‘Nick.’ Hey, I know you, Danny. You don’t fall easy for anyone.” Josh tilted Danny’s face up, bent down and they kissed. Danny tried not to feel desperate about it, but Josh knew something was wrong. He was telling Danny that he was here for him, if he was wanted. They kissed until Danny could not take it anymore and pushed him off with a small grin.

“Thanks for comin’ by, Josh. I really needed that.”

“Couldn’t tell, you horny cunt.” Josh laughed as he collected his clothes and started getting dressed. “This Nick you like. He straight, ain’t he?”

“I think so…yeah.” Danny shrugged. No use lying. If anyone understood, it would be one of the club boys.

“Damnit. I feel for ya, mate, I do. Those kind never play fair. Spend all day flirtin’ with ya and toss you over for a pair of tits.”

Danny nodded. He knew Nick never meant to flirt with him, but it always felt that way.

“Don’t waste yerself pinin’ for him, mate. You’re cute and sweet and hot as fuck. Get yourself a real man, ‘kay?”

“Why d’you think I called you?” Danny reached out and grabbed Josh’s pants playfully.

“Oi, let go! I gotta play tomorrow, can’t stay up all night. ‘Ey, call again soon, okay, love?” Josh kissed him again, a friendly and soft kiss of genuine affection, and left. Danny sat for a moment, listening to him leave, and went to take a shower.

When he got out, he thought he heard someone in the front room. He was not worried, figuring it was Josh coming back for something he forgot, and went out to tease him about it.

“Ay, Josh, you still ‘ere?” He walked out and in plan view, sitting halfway behind a pile boxes, was Nick. On the floor. Staring at him. Danny had no idea how Josh could have missed seeing him, but there he was. Danny’s world crashed around him in the space it took for him to breathe. He could not bear to look at Nick, who held an expression of horror on his face. Horror over what he knew Danny was doing that night.

“How long y’been here, Nick?”

“Long enough.” Nick swallowed heavily and looked down.

Danny kept looking at the wall. “Y’gon say anything? Josh is a popular player, Nick, it could hurt him if…if…”

“I swear to God, Danny, I would never. Never. I swear.” Nick said honestly, and Danny felt relieved. He did not think he would do anything on purpose, he just needed Nick to know how important it was to be careful. It was not something straight men really ever got, because they never needed to.

Resigned, Danny realized that there was no way to mend the fractures now. Danny’s life was not safe from Nick anymore, and Nick would never feel comfortable here again. All Danny wanted to do now was get to the shelter of his bedroom before he broke down completely.

“Y’can stay if you want, Nick.” He turned around and headed for his bedroom, stopping to move a heavy box out of the doorway so that he could close the door. That door had never been closed since Danny moved in, but he had to close it now. On Nicholas.

“Danny, wait! For God’s sake, wait!” Nicholas propelled himself off the floor and chased him.

“What?” Danny asked, trying to keep his voice neutral as they stood in the doorway to his bedroom.

“Don’t do this, please.”

“Do what, Nick?”

“I mean…look, I’ve been drinking, I’m not saying this right…”

Danny stepped into him, almost to the point of their bodies touching but not quite. He lifted his hands and cupped Nicholas face. “What y’gon do, Nick? You want me?” He paused. “No. You don’t, do you? So what can you do? What can you do that won’t hurt me?” Danny was breaking apart inside, and he wanted Nicholas to do anything, say anything, to stop this from happening, but Nick did not move. Danny breathed in, steeled himself for this last goodbye, and kissed Nicholas gently on the lips. Then he stepped back, dropped his hands, and closed the door.

He did not sleep at all, at first. He waited for the sounds of Nick leaving, but instead he heard _Point Break_ go on in the front room. Danny fell into bed and tried to pull himself together. He did not feel himself finally going to sleep, and he did not have any dreams.

He woke up to Nick walking into the bedroom without even knocking. Danny sat up and stared at him, flummoxed. He tried to think of another way to say goodbye, mentally cursing Nick for being so damn thick about stuff like this. Goodbye was goodbye, didn’t the idiot know that?

Nicholas stood at the foot of the bed for a few moments, just looking at Danny with a blank and defeated expression. He went to the side of the bed and began undressing down to his undershirt and boxers, and Danny was so shocked he felt as if someone punched him in the gut.

Nick sat down on the bed and straightened out the sheets. “Get in,” he motioned for Danny to get under the sheets with him. Danny shook his head. There was no way this was happening, except for the fact that Nick was clueless with no idea what he was playing at.

“This isn’t a good idea, Nicholas.” Danny’s voice was low and soft and terrified, and he refused to look at the vision in his bed.

“Probably not. And I cannot promise you anything, Danny.” Nicholas sat up and leaned forward on his knees. “Danny…I saw you with Josh.”

If Danny was able to throw himself in a vat of boiling lava, he would have gladly done so. His stomach balled up in humiliation.

“Danny.”

Danny just shook his head and pinched his nose.

“Danny…I can’t explain this well. But I did not like seeing that.”

“Hunh.” Danny’s eyes were clinched tight, knowing that any straight man seeing Josh fuck him would probably be cured of sex for life.

“No, I don’t mean it like that. I mean, I don’t want you…with anyone. At all. You…Danny, you are never going to call any of those friends again. Not if you are going to be with me.” Nicholas returned to rubbing his face aggressively.

The bottom dropped out of Danny’s world. He stared directly at Nicholas, who shrugged.

“Nick…you mean that?” Danny could not breathe, other than to say those words.

“I do.” Nicholas turned himself so he was facing Danny, who briefly considered running out the door and making a break for…London? Paris? Mars? But Nick was still talking, and Danny forced himself to listen.

“I can’t be what I’m not, Danny. I can’t tell you that I will…emm…do anything like that with you.” He coughed, clearly uncomfortable. “I just don’t think I…anyway, I’m being honest. This is me. I cannot live without you, and I will not share you. And if you accept that, then get under the damn sheets so we can go back to sleep.”

Danny paused for a long time. This was the deal, then. He could have Nick, but never really have him. It would be living torture, here, in bed, unable to show Nick how much he loved him. In fact the only way to show him how much he loved him would be to hold back on everything, to keep himself in check, to resist the irresistible.

And the alternative was to lose Nick forever. There was no decision to make, really. He was going to do anything Nick asked.

He crawled under the sheets. It was awkward while they figured out how this was going to work, and they eventually ended up with Danny spooning around Nicholas. They started to settle in quietly, until Danny realized there was one bargaining chip left, one thing he could ask for that Nick just might give. He leaned up and pulled Nicholas onto his back.

“Okay, but you have to _at least_ kiss me.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah.”

“Deal breaker?” Nick looked very nervous, but he did not say ‘no,’ and Danny knew the deal was already made.

“Ab-so-lutely.”

“Well, okay then.” Nicholas agreed, trying to hide his sincere reluctance.

Danny knew this was important. He knew that he might never get anything more out of Nicholas than some couch-hugs and these kisses. He also knew that this man was everything to him, that he loved Nicholas, and that he needed to show him how much even just a kiss meant. He had to prove that he could do this for the rest of his life and never ask for more.

He sensed Nicholas tense up and he tried not to react to that, to pull back from an unwelcome advance. He breathed steadily and leaned in and very lightly, at first, placed his lips on Nicholas’ mouth. For a second, he thought his brain was going to explode with excitement, but he stilled every sensation except what he was putting into the kiss: his love, his heart, his whole being. He just needed Nicholas to _know._

He paused and pushed a little more, just a bit of pressure, keeping his lips closed and his very happy tongue inside his mouth. He tilted his head and tried for ‘soft’ and ‘loving’ rather than ‘desperate greedy passion.’ He felt Nicholas start to relax under him, his body uncoiling from high-alert tension. Danny brought up his left arm to crook it around Nicholas’ head, his thumb and fingers just resting against Nick’s short crop of hair, unmoving, not wanting to push the luck of the moment.

He nearly lost all of his composure when he felt Nicholas reach up and wrap his arms around him, drawing him down so their upper bodies were pressed together. Keeping himself from doing anything other than what he was doing was not easy, but Danny’s determination was solid. Right up to the point that Nicholas parted his lips and ran his tongue over Danny’s mouth, pushing his tongue against the barrier that Danny resolutely decided not to break. Danny felt the vice grip he had on his desire crumbling and he melted down further into Nicholas embrace, running his hands over Nicholas head and face and neck and shoulders, shocked to feel the man under him pushing up, tightening his grip on Danny’s back. He opened his mouth and their tongues moved against each other, pushing and exploring and reaching. Danny tilted his head again to try to get more of Nicholas’ mouth, to lick his tongue and lips and taste the tangy, sweet-sour flavor of Nicholas. Nicholas started running his hands over his back, simple gestures, nothing overt or obviously sexy, but in the situation, too erotic for Danny to take silently. He moaned and felt a slight twitch in Nicholas, but he did not know what it meant. This body was strange to him, even after watching it for so long, and he thought maybe he was going too far. Time to pull back; time to prove he could do this, that he could stop, for Nick.

They laid pressed against together, looking silently into each other’s eyes. Danny saw surprise and worry and...

“Y’alright, Nick?” He ran his hand over Nick’s head, rubbing his hair a little, trying to be calm and friendly.

“Danny, I…” Nick was breathless, and for once, speechless. He was not smiling and he was not happy, in fact he looked panic stricken, but he was not breaking rank and jumping out of bed, either. Danny figured that was good enough right now.

“S’okay, Nick. We stopped. Okay?” And finally emotion grabbed him and wrenched his heart as the reality of the situation hit. Nicholas was here, with him, because he wanted to be here. He was throwing away his entire life for Danny. Danny was willing to give up anything to keep Nicholas here, by him, and it was worth any sacrifice, yet it would still be less than what Nicholas was giving up for him. He lowered his forehead onto Nicholas’ chest and did a very bad job of trying not to cry.

“Danny, please, no…” Nicholas placed his hands on Danny’s face and pulled it up so they were looking at each other again. “I’m fine. I’m…good. Really good. Right now. Good. Okay?”

Danny giggled at the utter insanity of the words, and the stilted way in which Nicholas said them. At that, Nicholas, knowing how badly he was doing, grinned just a little. Danny leaned forward again and as Nicholas wiped away his drying tears, Danny kissed him lightly on the forehead.

“Go to sleep, Nicky.” He pushed Nick back into their original ‘spoon’ positions and they lay still. An hour and half later, he finally felt Nicholas drift off to sleep in his arms.


End file.
